Looking at two lawns, thinking, now….whose grass is greener? Is it mine, or is it my neighbors? Never fails, thinking error begins to light up and flash in my head telling me, “CAUTION”. You are doing it again, I used to be really bad at that, in the beginning of recovery. I found I was often comparing myself to others and their programs to see if I was doing it right, even though I had a sponsor. I often tried measuring myself through their eyes. I wanted them to see, I too could have pink clouds, rainbows and unicorns.
The grass is greener on the side that receives more care. A concept that was meant to keep me focused on myself only and what I only needed to take care of. Now in hindsight I can see how important it was to nourish my soil, my surroundings, and protect it as though it was encased in a HUGE bubble. At all costs, I could ill afford to have crabgrass and weeds growing in my surroundings, as they were the stem of negative self thoughts. I learned through much poking and prodding as I started my fourth step how to free from the weeds from the grass, soooo quickly I learned to great care was taken to making sure weeds were removed included their roots. I can honestly say that removing weeds that had been active for over 30 years was a miraculous feeling. Bit by bit, the empty spots now “weed free” were filled with a whole new seeds of thoughts. These seeds of thought were foreign in many instances and required great leaps of faith believing in them.
But deep down inside all I wanted was what “they” had with all my heart. I was willing to do whatever it took, to get my lawn looking like theirs. I had seen the other lawn’s beauty and I knew if they could do it I could to. Steps 5, 6, & 7, taught me that I could make my lawn look like theirs as I learned that there was so much more stuff I needed to work on. It was not enough just to plant new seeds in my lawn without applying action to them, grass needs to be prodded into growth. I learned if I water the seeds that made them begin to grow, if I continued on a scheduled program they would continue to grow. I learned to fertilize the soil with lots and lots of self love that grew from sharing with others what I learned. Adding the sunshine was merely my attitude adjustment as I became determined that my grass would grow, thrive and multiply.
I too could make something beautiful if I listened carefully to the voice of God beside me. God as I understand him, in my own mind.