Ramblings of an Addict – First 30 days fo Recovery

Ramblings of an Addict – First 30 days.

This is an part of a journal entry, it was written the end of thirty days in recovery, I was medically detoxed, and then entered an intense 30 day recovery. I kept a journal to document my thoughts hoping it would ease the way of another.

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“Any clean addict is a miracle. We keep this miracle alive in ongoing recovery with positive attitudes” Basic Text, 6th. Ed., p. 95.
I have read this sentence over and over again. I have had to learn that a lot of my problems were centered all around me, imagine that, and that I had a pretty crappy attitude. It was as though no one’s feelings but mine counted, I was entitled to drink, to self medicate. I always justified, lied to myself and to others, and after a while I could not even tell the truth from a lie.

Memories were distorted by my slanted drug enhanced view of things. My attitude was all about me, and only me. I as a child often heard my parents say, “I work hard and play hard”. Somewhere, along growing up, I adopted the same philosophy. In active addiction, I had a horrible, dark, negative, nasty attitude. I would argue with anyone at the drop of the hat, and o-h-h-h-h-h could I tell someone off at the drop of the hat. Of course, they always deserved it.

My attitude was one of the world owed me. Now, at the time I did not know I was acting like that, I was all smiles to your face, all smiles under stress, and always said yes to whatever I was asked to do. Why?? Because I felt so guilty over what I was doing that and I thought no one knew. Oh boy, what an eye opener to find out that the world did not revolve around me. I believed that I could read people’s minds and anticipate their needs, that I was not a martyr. Matter of fact towards the end of my addiction I really don’t think, I could even think. Honesty was gone, as was my reasoning. I learned that me being happy depended on my attitude. I learned that I attracted all the negativity I was putting out.

In early recovery things had to be broken down to me in simple short sentences as my attitude was one of a deep fog of confusion. As I started to detox, all I could do was mentally chant. Over and over in my mind I told myself how much I hated me. I repulsed myself.

I did not use words like please and thank you, I mumbled a lot. The first thing I can clearly remember is a nurse telling me over and over again, “it’s okay, just breath, your going to be okay”. Boy, was she right, as I slowly like a newborn toddler child learned to think again, my attitude was finally open to change.

My attitude was changed by someone holding my hand, reassuring me that all would be okay, that if I really wanted to change I could, that it all started with my attitude. Anytime I caught myself saying negative things, I learned to turn it around and say it mentally in a positive message. I learned to listen really listen to what my “mental chatter” was saying to me, and how to filter it, correct it. With learning that my attitude needed changing came the realization that I needed help, real help.

This is an part of a journal entry, it was written the end of thirty days in recovery, I was medically detoxed, and then entered an intense 30 day recovery. I kept a journal to document my thoughts hoping it would ease the way of another.

Ramblings of An Addict – 30 days

Hope in Recovery

Patricia Hole is a 56 year old survivor of addiction, childhood mental and physical abuse, rape, chronic health conditions. She shares her journey of becoming a winner through tragedies suffered by sharing her inspiration of how to Recover from those situations. Her journey focuses on the Love, Light & Laughter found along her journey. She founded the Facebook page @ https://www.facebook.com/HopeInRecoveryThroughLoveLightLaughterI . Patricia believes," that we can recover, we do recover and we will recovery by the Grace of God." Patricia is currently writing her story, the story behind "Hope in Recovery through love light and laughter. It's scheduled to be done December of 2016.

2 thoughts on “Ramblings of an Addict – First 30 days fo Recovery

  • December 30, 2016 at 8:49 pm
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    I thank you for the hope I find in your writing I want to find help to live – Some years ago I was a witness in Trial with other women, of a Dr. Ten year process and corruption to cover up so much. The support of a brilliant companionate Detective who later committed suicide feels like I died. I lost house etc. Lawyer took half criminal comp.
    I began to write a ‘Black Book’ of emotions of which I was ordered to read originals in Trial Hearing
    A’Black…’ later I began to feel/hear Spiritual writing? (hard to explain) and have written many, I need to share. All are pos. meaningful. Yet I am lost. I cannot find who I was?
    Can you please contact me?

    You have come thru so much. Thank you for the opportunity you give to me.
    Blessings. Irene

    Reply
  • February 26, 2018 at 7:33 pm
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    Help, I don’t know how to start getting sober

    Reply

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