That black hole is back so dark, so slimy, so cold. Fear fuels the belief that the hole will get darker and deeper. It always does. It’s cold where I am at, I feel nothing but numbness. I feel no joy, no laughter, feel no warmth. It makes me so sad having no energy at all. I have no energy to smile, no energy to talk, no energy to interact. I can’t go outside, all I can do is lie in bed. In bed, I often sleep a troubled nightmarish sleep. My sleep is haunted by screams and thoughts that will not stop. Racing thoughts. Constantly thousands of thoughts ramble through my head. When I do lift my head it’s like looking through dark black glasses at the world when it’s raining. I pray continuously, begging for an end to the insanity that plagues every thought, every moment. I want to climb out of the black hole, but I can’t. The walls are filled with slime, from the past and there is no hope for the future. I pray for light, any bit of light as the darkness is so heavy. It’s hard to breathe, the darkness fills my lungs and seems to paralyze me, as I feel myself fall deeper and deeper. I am starting to fall so fast, that I know I will never resurface. I hear nothing but thoughts, they are so negative and filled with hate. Hate is my best friend in the black hole, pain is everywhere. I hate myself, I ache everywhere.
All I think I need is hugs, yet when people hug me I shrink from their touch. Even being touched seems to bother me. I guess, I just need to adjust my attitude, which is really hard when I feel like this. Life is not easy and it’s not fair, I know that. I know smiling on the outside when I feel like this helps my insides, but I just don’t have the energy. I often wonder if there are others like me out there,.. when I feel like this I feel so alone. I am so glad I can at least write about this, somehow writing in my journal makes me feel better. Maybe when I wake it the hole will be gone, or maybe it will start to disappear, as long as I don’t give up hope that it will go away, I will be okay. I just got to learn to roll with it, this is temporary.
The picture above is a typical image that becomes trapped in my head.
I was diagnosed when I was 17, I am 55 now. In recovery, I am starting to learn more and more about how to deal with the depression. I know to get my butt to a meeting, pronto, I know to pick up the phone, and I know no matter what not to lift my arm up to use any mind altering substance again. That is the critical thought process I have learned, because of the depression, the wild mood swings, I never have to use again. NEVER. It’s so hard to explain to someone what this black hole is like. Why would I tell someone, it’s depressing just talking about it. My family knows when it happens I get so quiet, withdrawn, easily frustrated, short tempered. I know my husband sees the fear in my eyes. There is nothing anyone can do really to help, it’s a disease complicated by other diseases that I have.
Yesterday was a really bad day, I felt the black hole trying to swallow me up. For those of you that don’t know, I am a manic depressive renamed to a bipolar person, (gotta love all these labels). I am pretty scared, I hate the mood swings when they occur now. I have gotten much better since I entered recovery, I used to medicate them, how silly it made them worse….the insanity of addiction.
Anyways now they give me medication, that I take religiously, it helps so much. I can count the times on one hand in the last three years that I have had a manically depressed swing into the black hole. What scares me still is I wonder how long will it last, will I wake up tomorrow and will it be gone? They bother me more that I know how good life can be and how good it can feel, it makes me resentful when it comes.
The first thing I did was go to a meeting, where they understand the dual diagnosis, where I fit in. When they read the readings I found comfort as I bowed my head in prayer and said the readings in my head, I have them memorized. I knew I was in the right place, despite some cunning, baffling and powerful thoughts told me I did not really need the meeting. I have to remember always that I am not alone. There are others just like me in the room I am in now, maybe not a bunch but I am sure there is someone else with here at the meeting with a dual diagnosis. Attending a twelve step program gives me the support I need from people who understand this black hole.
Update FAST FORWARD SIX YEARS – I am still clean and sober, I have learned to love myself and be kind to myself when I have days like this. I give myself space and lots of love when feeling down. I allow myself to be pampered, chocolate ice cream and lifetime movies, limiting my contact with others, I use the time to reflect on how blessed I am. I count my blessings instead of my problems, with this change of focus it’s working.
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