Manic depression in recovery – A day in my life.

What’s it like to have manic depression in recovery? Well…

That black hole is back so dark, so slimy, so cold.  Fear fuels the belief that the hole will get darker and deeper.  It always does.  It’s cold where I am at, I feel nothing but numbness.  I feel no joy, no laughter, feel no warmth.  It makes me so sad having no energy at all.  I have no energy to smile, no energy to talk, no energy to interact.  I can’t go outside, all I can do is lie in bed.  In bed, I often sleep a troubled nightmarish sleep.  My sleep is haunted by screams and thoughts that will not stop. Racing thoughts.  Constantly thousands of thoughts ramble through my head.  When I do lift my head it’s like looking through dark black glasses at the world when it’s raining. I pray continuously, begging for an end to the insanity that plagues every thought, every moment.  I want to climb out of the black hole, but I can’t.  The walls are filled with slime, from the past and there is no hope for the future.  I pray for light, any bit of light as the darkness is so heavy.  It’s hard to breathe, the darkness fills my lungs and seems to paralyze me, as I feel myself fall deeper and deeper.  I am starting to fall so fast, that I know I will never resurface.  I hear nothing but thoughts, they are so negative and filled with hate.  Hate is my best friend in the black hole, pain is everywhere.  I hate myself, I ache everywhere.

All I think I need is hugs, yet when people hug me I shrink from their touch. Even being touched seems to bother me. I guess, I just need to adjust my attitude, which is really hard when I feel like this. Life is not easy and it’s not fair, I know that. I know smiling on the outside when I feel like this helps my insides, but I just don’t have the energy. I often wonder if there are others like me out there,.. when I feel like this I feel so alone. I am so glad I can at least write about this, somehow writing in my journal makes me feel better. Maybe when I wake it the hole will be gone, or maybe it will start to disappear, as long as I don’t give up hope that it will go away, I will be okay. I just got to learn to roll with it, this is temporary.

The picture above is a typical image that becomes trapped in my head.

I was diagnosed when I was 17, I am 55 now. In recovery, I am starting to learn more and more about how to deal with the depression. I know to get my butt to a meeting, pronto, I know to pick up the phone, and I know no matter what not to lift my arm up to use any mind altering substance again. That is the critical thought process I have learned, because of the depression, the wild mood swings, I never have to use again. NEVER.  It’s so hard to explain to someone what this black hole is like.  Why would I tell someone, it’s depressing just talking about it. My family knows when it happens I get so quiet, withdrawn, easily frustrated, short tempered. I know my husband sees the fear in my eyes. There is nothing anyone can do really to help, it’s a disease complicated by other diseases that I have.

Yesterday was a really bad day, I felt the black hole trying to swallow me up. For those of you that don’t know, I am a manic depressive renamed to a bipolar person, (gotta love all these labels). I am pretty scared, I hate the mood swings when they occur now. I have gotten much better since I entered recovery, I used to medicate them, how silly it made them worse….the insanity of addiction.

Anyways now they give me medication, that I take religiously, it helps so much. I can count the times on one hand in the last three years that I have had a manically depressed swing into the black hole. What scares me still is I wonder how long will it last, will I wake up tomorrow and will it be gone? They bother me more that I know how good life can be and how good it can feel, it makes me resentful when it comes.

The first thing I did was go to a meeting, where they understand the dual diagnosis, where I fit in. When they read the readings I found comfort as I bowed my head in prayer and said the readings in my head, I have them memorized. I knew I was in the right place, despite some cunning, baffling and powerful thoughts told me I did not really need the meeting. I have to remember always that I am not alone. There are others just like me in the room I am in now, maybe not a bunch but I am sure there is someone else with here at the meeting with a dual diagnosis.  Attending a twelve step program gives me the support I need from people who understand this black hole.

Update FAST FORWARD SIX YEARS – I am still clean and sober, I have learned to love myself and be kind to myself when I have days like this. I give myself space and lots of love when feeling down.  I allow myself to be pampered, chocolate ice cream and lifetime movies, limiting my contact with others, I use the time to reflect on how blessed I am.  I count my blessings instead of my problems, with this change of focus it’s working.

National Crisis Referral Numbers

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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