I have heard this said “We’re free to choose how to handle adversity. We can allow ourselves to be crushed, to give up, and to feel sorry for ourselves. Or we can persevere, and make the most out of what life deals us.” Quote by Dr. Hal Urban.
Adversity. I know I am still scared at times when I feel my comfort zone expanding into that unknown area. An area, where I am going to learn something new, I can feel it in my bones, now the excitement grows. Whether it be learning a new craft, how to do something on the computer, or stepping out a little further and opening a new door.
REWIND TO 6 years ago.
Shaken, sweating and convulsing I was sick to my stomach. There were four days of a complete blur. They would wake me up take my vitals, hand me a little paper cup and back to sleep I went. Every waking moment was torture as my bones screamed in agony; my head throbbed to my heaving stomach, with me not caring which way I turned. Medical detoxification.
On the fifth morning, I could get out of bed. I could not think, I could not hear myself think as all kinds of pictures and loud movies kept playing in my head. It felt like I was losing my mind. “ Oh God, please help me” began as a mantra to block out all the loud overwhelming sounds of movies, playing my past over and over again. Every instant replay that my mind played looked at cut up bits and pieces.
The sixth morning came, at last, the water stayed down. I could feel the water in the shower, running down my back. I realized how out of kilter and out of control my life was. How did life get so bad? How did I sink so low? It was then I looked in the mirror there before me stood a woman with long gray hair that looked 60 years old. I did not recognize her.
Fast forwarding 6 years.
When I remember being medically detoxed from Benzodiazepines, pain killers, and methamphetamine. I had been taking the benzodiazepines, and pain killers for over 20 years. I remember the gut-wrenching terror that I felt that I would die as that woman in the mirror. This was not how I wanted to be remembered as a taker, an old lady that had really screwed up her life. I realized yes, I had made some really bad decisions in the past, but how I handled my feelings about my guilt over my past, would determine the outcome of the future.
It was all about how I chose to handle the adversity that I had created in my life. I could either use this experience as stepping stones, or I could sit on a pity pot and play a victim. The fight rose up in me, I became determined to fight for my life, a new life that I was willing to do, whatever it took to be clean/sober.
Today despite suffering a widow maker heart attack, having two stents, and many arthritis conditions, I take no pain pills. For my RLS I take no benzodiazepines. Yes, with all my numerous health conditions I had been dealt a “bad hand”, but how I chose to deal with this bad hand was up to me. I decided I would win.